The 10 student commandments

The 10 student commandments to proclaim and uphold for all those who inhabit the university land:

1. Thou must not do the washing up until at least 3 after cooking

Finish cooking your pasta bake and leave that pan to “soak”, my friend.

2. Thou must not begin an essay until the night before it’s due

How beautiful the innocence of a baby-faced Fresher, who defiantly tells you they will start all their essays early to avoid deadline stress. You will learn soon, young one, that diamonds are made under pressure.

3. Thou must join no less than 10 societies during freshers week, and attend none of their events

Everyone gets a little carried away at the Fresher’s fair. Dance club? Sure! Archery? Why not! Gordon Ramsey Society? THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR ALL MY LIFE! Scribbles down email.

4. Thou must learn the art of surviving the mid-pres chunder

Sometimes, pre-drinks get out of hand. Scrap that, most of the time. But you can’t let that ruin a night out! By mid first year, you need to have learnt how to recover from the mid-pre burn out – turn up to the club and have all your pals cheer for your rebirth. Then get a round of jager bombs.

5. Thou must take traffic cones

You can’t call yourself a student house without having a traffic cone. Nobody knows why we find this so funny to take them when you’re drunk, but as long as you think you’re hilarious, that’s all that matters. It must sit in pride of place. Need a budget Christmas tree? Throw some fairy lights on the cone – sorted.

6. Thou must vow to skip no more lectures, then skip at least three a week

Repeat after me: “It’s okay if I skip this lecture, all the lecture slides are uploaded online anyway”. There. Congrats, you’re a student now!

7. Thou must create both flat chunder and pulling league tables

This will take pride of place under a magnet (definitely one that you got for free during Freshers’ Week) on the fridge. When anyone’s parents are coming over, this is swiftly hidden. Thou must not mentally scar parents for life…

8. Thou must worship only the gods of 20p packet noodles

These beautiful, disgusting packets of beauty. If there was a traditional cuisine of The British Student, this would be it. They’re gloriously cheap, they taste pretty good, and they fill you up.

9. Thou must learn to go on a night out for under £5

A serious student commandment, how else are you going to go out 3 nights a week? Learn all the cheap entry deals, run to the club before it hits 11 pm, sign up to the discount cards, and pre-drink like there’s no tomorrow (or rather, a horribly hungover tomorrow).

10. Thou must try not to become the student stereotype, but fail miserably anyway

You’ll tell yourself you won’t become the lazy, caffeine-addicted, party animal that the world makes you out to be. Yeah, about that…

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