How to enjoy a cheap New Year’s Eve

Warning: This piece contains severe sarcasm


Ah, the end of another year. Another year of being a student, another year of being broke, another year of watching money pass you by as you do nothing to prevent this. And what’s this around the corner? An end to all this spending? An alleviation of all your financial woes? An incredible lottery win? A surprise cash-injection from a mystery investor who sees that, hey, you’re a real grafter and deserve a break, so, here, have £9,000, that should just about cover this year’s worth of crippling debt. No, stupid, it’s none of those things! It’s New Year’s Eve; a night to get incredibly merry and spend a lot of cash on something you most likely won’t remember tomorrow morning! What if I told you that this didn’t have to be the case; that you didn’t have to fork out a tremendous amount of money on bringing in the new year - stay with me on this - that it is, in fact, possible to celebrate without breaking your already feeble bank balance.

"Nonsense!" I hear you shout.

"Rubbish!" another of you calls.

"Shut up, Tom, you don’t know anything about having a good time, you are a financially poor loser who has nothing worthwhile to say!", a third party adds.

I know, guys, it’s difficult to believe, but as I said, stay with me; there is another way.

The Company

Some people say it doesn’t matter where you are or what you’re doing if you’re with the right people, you’ll have a great time. While this just simply isn’t true, the company you keep will have some effect in shaping your night. Let me put this bluntly, in terms that everyone can understand: there is absolutely no need to spend money on your company for the evening, a shocking thought for some, I’m sure. You will be able to find some, if not friends, equally-lonely strangers on the street. These strangers, or ‘friends-you’ve-just-met’ as I call them, will usually be alone and drinking; this isn’t sad, this is exciting, these guys have just started the party a little early. Invite them back to your home so you can bring in 2018 together, in addition to saving money on booze (they’ve brought their own).

The Club

Clubs are great fun, aren’t they? They’re just huge places where everyone goes to dance, socialise, and have fun. What better way to enjoy NYE than to join hundreds of others in a big room that you have paid money to be in, and have forked out yet more cash to get drinks in? I’ll tell you - in your own house! That’s right, remember the company you made in part one? Give these guys VIP entry to this exclusive, one-night-only club! Some would dismiss this as a tragic way to spend the evening, but giving this subject thought for just one minute quickly disproves this dismissal. I mean, does sitting around in your own home with people you met five minutes ago, trying to avoid eye contact and general conversation, thinking about how bad some of your financial decisions were last year while trying not to cry, really sound tragic? Really? That’s a tragedy in your eyes, is it? I’d love to know what you’re doing this NYE… no, I really would, I have nothing planned.

The Refreshments

It’s become a bit of a tradition in this country to get drunk to bring in the new year; to get absolutely out of it as a means of celebration. Fair enough, I say, if you’re being safe with alcohol and having a great time, what harm’s being done? I’ll tell you what harm’s being done: severe damage to your wallets/purses/pockets, alcohol is not cheap. It is for this reason that all the attendants at your cheap house-based get-together, apart from the aforementioned inebriated strangers, should be encouraged to enjoy a sober evening.

What’s wrong with drinking water, guys? Just plain old tap water, God’s vodka! It’s free and refreshing, and guess what? No hangover the next day! What a way to start a new calendar year, fresh and refreshed; watch out 2018, we’re coming to get you! Now for the food, what spread would be appropriate to send off yet another year of your ever-stretching life? Pizza? A Chinese? Maybe an Indian? NO, NO, and NO. Why on Earth would you need to buy food? Make the most of what you have lying around (that lettuce only just went out of date, you have olive oil, and there’s always some cheese in the fridge), improvise, and you could amaze your guests with your culinary creations, like a cross between Gordon Ramsay and Bear Grylls!

There is no reason to spend a lot of money on New Year’s Eve; in fact, I’ve just given you a perfect evening where you don’t have to spend anything at all! So sit back, sip your water, eat your cheese and lettuce, bask in the awkward silence, all with a wallet full of cash to splash at the January sales. It really is that easy!

#tyro #national #NYE #sesh #skint