What your venue choice in Birmingham says about you
Players, 240 Broad Street
If there’s one thing you can’t avoid in Players, it’s the sweat. Bathroom break? Hope you don’t mind sweaty cubicles. Look straight down the corridor as you walk in, and you’ll see sweat spread from the club’s inner sanctum. Everyone in Players is covered in sweat, including the bouncers (they’re probably the sweatiest). The only sweat-free haven is the VIP section, but only sports-night-goers are brave enough to venture there. I wouldn’t risk being thrown out by the ever-vigilant bartenders for breaking the rules, and neither would you. You definitely plan on pulling at Players, which is fine. It’s gross, sweaty, and packed, yet everybody there is wanting company that night – even if you haven’t realised it yet.
Pryzm, 182 Broad Street
You miss the old days when it was Gatecrasher and drinks were priced a little more reasonably. You miss buying a round of three drinks which cost less than £30. It’s a great night out, but you might have to put up with a few of the Pryzm die-hards on the top floor. Watch out for endless Arctic Monkeys songs.
Ah, Props at the O2. Happy days. You know what you like, and what you like is a very specific playlist. Your love of Arctic Monkeys is welcome here – as well as Paramore, Panic! at the Disco – and of course, The Killers' classic, Mr Brightside. Also, checked shirt syndrome for lads, jeans and a nice top for lasses. Need I say more?
Snobs, 51 Smallbrook Queensway
“Another Jägerbomb? But I’ve already had, like, 50?” That is you, to a T. It has to be a Jägerbomb, too. Anything else would take too long to chug at the cramped bar, and you’d probably spill a double-mixer (your real favourite beverage) while bumping into 1 of 1,999 other people in the club. Snobs is the type of club where you’re separated from anyone you know as soon as you enter, but always bump into that one lad you met in Freshers. Over-the-top hugging ensues.
You spend the best part of the night walking the equivalent of the Great Birmingham 10k to steer yourself to an exit, and Dixie’s is there to greet you. You’re practically besties with the cashier since he knows exactly which meal deal you’re after. Not all heroes wear capes.
In the taxi home, you’re going to make conversation with the driver. Not just polite conversation, either. You’ll have noted their personal number quicker than you can ask, “Busy night, then, mate?”.
"It’s a good idea," you tell your friends, "Now we can get a cab whenever we want," you insist. Keep telling yourself that, pal.
Any of the Wetherspoon's
Spoons is reliable, like you. It gets the job done. Drinks after a cheap meal? Spoons. First date? Spoons. Spoons, Spoons, Spoons. Deep down, we all love a little bit of Wetherspoon's. It’s easy, right? You can even order from your phone – and if your bladder can last, you won’t need to move until leaving at 11. Well, 10, latest. The definition of a good night out for you involves getting home early, sleeping a solid 16 hours, and yet still waking at 6 a.m. to go for a quick gym sesh.
Occasionally, your Players pal will take you clubbing, sober as a judge, to help them pull. Or perhaps the Snobs lad will buy you a jäger and insist on your company. Either way, you’ll hate every minute of it. Clubs are too loud and hot for your polo-jumper-pea coat combo. Think about all the reading you could be doing.
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