2 weeks ago

I don't feel safe anymore:

Over the last year, I feel like I've been to hell and back. I've had someone just kinda stroll into my life again through having a mutual friend on FB which I wasn't expecting. I've had someone who told me I was their friend and proved it, then change as a person and start treating me differently because of someone else but yet when I confronted them about it, they acted as if I was stupid and told me to 'stop abusing them on the internet' when all I did was call them dumb because I couldn't deal with it anymore. One of my best friends is falling completely apart like I am and all I can do is listen to her, I can't take her pain away and it really does hurt more than what I'm going through. I am in hope that someone I care about and who cares about me, finally finds a way to respond to the letter I gave them like 3 months ago but they are currently too busy to even read it (and it's not an excuse, I can see all the hard work they are putting in and even though we haven't spoken about it, I can see they are hurting too with a lot of things that have happened for them also.)

I don't get on with my Dad, but yet he keeps asking what's wrong with me and I don't know. I can feel my MH creeping over me again like a black cloud in which I have no control over. I can feel my mood go from incredible highs to incredible lows, over 50 times a day but yet my doctor is trying to get me off my meds despite the fact those meds are meant to stabilise my mood.

I know there's seriously something wrong with my meds but I don't know what that is when I go to the doctor who is supposed to deal with my meds, he expects ME to know what is wrong with them and my MH when that is seriously NOT how MH works.

I've tried to switch my nurse before but by the seems of things, they don't actually have the funding to switch it. Every appointment I have with this nurse, she's not interested in me. I once didn't have an appointment for nearly two months because if I was so much as 5 minutes late, she would tell me she couldn't see me and that she had another patient to see who was more important.

I don't feel safe and all I can find myself doing is distancing myself from other people in case they are out to harm me and that's not me, that's my MH taking over but I've just been left to my own devices and I don't know what's going on from day to day anymore.

My days are crazy, I may have motivation for an hour or less then it's gone. I may wake up in a panic then 10 minutes later I'm fine. I may cry for hours on end but have no idea why I am crying. Then there are the energy drops: without warning, I will get to the point, I can't even sit up on my bed because my energy levels are that low.

I can barely eat, I can barely sleep, I overthink, my MH tells me the people I care about don't care about me back and that they want to hurt me. There are moments I feel completely disillusioned from the world and I have no idea who I actually am.

The doctors and nurses act like because I'm doing a media course, there's nothing wrong with me and that because these feelings don't go on for weeks at a time, there's nothing wrong with me.

How do I explain what's going on when by the time I get an appointment, I may be feeling okay and don't even remember what happened?